Harvest Week
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: It's the Penny Harvest at school, and Sparky, Buster, and Wade are prepared to collect as many pennies as they can. But when Sparky's penny jar is half-empty, Buster is exposed to a side of his best friend he never even knew existed. Also, what can RK and Jaylynn do when the pizza deliveryman Murphy eats their pizza? Use the Sonny With A Chance subplot from "Three's Not Company!"


_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 3

Airdate: October 13, 2013

Title: Harvest Week

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Biggie or Pac?"/"Should Kurt Cobain be considered an icon?")

Satire: Penny Harvest, winning toys/prizes for practically anything these days

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Ms. Vanek's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

(The kids are murmuring amongst themselves)

MS. VANEK: Class, settle down. Talking is over, all eyes on me now.

(under his breath) RK: What an egotistical bitch. And yet I'm in love with that woman.

JAYLYNN: You're not low, dude.

(RK angrily stares at Jaylynn, who smiles back at him)

MS. VANEK: It's once again that time. Time for Harvest Week.

(The class gives the "John Cena reaction" to Harvest Week)

MS. VANEK: Look, it's not mandatory, but we do want as many kids involved as possible.

JAYLYNN: What's Harvest Week?

SPARKY: It's when the school gives you a bag that you fill with as many pennies as possible.

BUSTER: If you fill up the bag before the week is over, you get another one.

WADE: And all the pennies you collect are donated to charity.

RK: It might be the single lamest thing to ever be invented. Well, that and Fruity Cheerios.

(RK eats a spoonful of Fruity Cheerios)

RK: What's the point? You can't taste the real fruit juice anyway. I'm not laughing, it's not funny, MAKE SOME (BLEEP) FRUITY CEREAL!

MS. VANEK: RK, it's not lame. You're helping charities.

RK: Yeah, but we're collecting pennies. You can find them outside sitting on the furry tongue of a bum.

MS. VANEK: Interesting, because there is an added stipulation this year.

WILL: What is it?

MS. VANEK: The student who collects the most pennies in their respective grade...wins the top-secret...mystery...grand prize!

(The kids are colored intrigued)

BUSTER: Well, what's the prize, I want to know!

(The kids are now groaning)

(coughing) WADE: Buster, you dumbass.

BUSTER: What did you just say to me?

WADE: I AIN'T SAY NOTHING!

Outside, the kids are conversing.

SPARKY: Wow, a mystery prize. I wonder what it is?

WADE: Maybe it's original sheet music from Mozart or Beethoven.

SPARKY: Or tickets to _Catching Fire_.

BUSTER: Or a stick!

(Sparky and Wade stare at Buster, annoyed)

BUSTER: What? I'm the only person who has dreams of owning a stick?

WADE: I have dreams of owning a sick stick and using it on you, does that count?

SPARKY: RK, are you doing the Penny Harvest again?

RK: No way! Harvest Week is just a way for me to waste my time collecting filthy pennies like a bum and getting a lame prize in return.

WADE: So you don't think helping charity is important?

RK: Are you really trying to guilt trip me into doing this, Wade? I go down to the soup kitchen every Sunday morning. Unlike you middle-class Republicans who think a charitable effort is letting a homeless guy stay for Thanksgiving dinner and kick him out the next day.

BUSTER: RK, the both of us are middle-class Republicans and we both did the same thing last Thanksgiving.

RK: Well, at least I can openly admit that.

SPARKY: Are we on for movie night?

RK: Nah, Jaylynn helped me ace my history quiz so I'm treating her to pizza at my place.

SPARKY: Hold on there, stud. The two of you? Sharing pizza? On a Friday night? Sounds like a date to me.

RK: Trust me, it's not. That would be sinning against my man, and I know Buster would never recover from it.

(sarcastically) BUSTER: Oh yeah, I couldn't go on anymore if I find out you were dating Jaylynn.

(puts hand on Buster's shoulder) RK: I'm glad you understand, babe.

BUSTER: What is it with you and the touching on the shoulder?

RK: See you guys. Think about what I said.

(in stereo) SPARKY AND BUSTER: See you RK. Sure, we will. JINX!

(the two laugh and then realize Wade is silently sulking)

SPARKY: Wade, are you OK, buddy?

(Wade gives Buster an RKO)

SPARKY: Dude!

WADE: Never talk about anybody dating Jaylynn but me, understand?

(Wade gives Buster the DX chop and stomps away)

SCENE 2

The Huie Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: It's so weird just the two of us.

RK: Why? IT'S NOT A DATE SO DON'T THINK IT IS!

JAYLYNN: No, gross. I mean we never hang out without Sparky, Buster, and/or Wade.

RK: Oh, right. Well, I think we should bond, Jaylynn. I mean, the most fun we ever had was the time I showed you how to kick a soccer ball.

JAYLYNN: Or when you TRIED to.

We cutaway to three weeks ago, where RK and Jaylynn are in RK's backyard with a soccer ball.

RK: Now, Jaylynn, to kick a soccer ball well requires the perfect combination of physics, patience, and finesse.

JAYLYNN: OK, Pele.

RK: Now, the first step is to plant your foot on the ground firmly. Like your pencil when it's sharpened.

(Jaylynn slyly smiles at the camera)

RK: Next, you take your kicking foot, which is most likely your right foot, and swing it. Then, you follow through. OK. Plant the left, swing the right, and KA-POWIE!

(RK's kick sends the ball over the fence and in the side of his neighbor Mrs. Halberstadt)

MRS. HALBERSTADT: YOU STUPID KID!

RK: Sorry, Mrs. Halberstadt!

(sarcastically) JAYLYNN: Plant the left, swing the right, and KA-POWIE! Is that how it's done?

RK: You're so lucky you have tits.

JAYLYNN: And why are we eating the pizza here? Weren't we going to your place?

RK: Yeah, but I spilled grape soda on the carpet yesterday and KG doesn't want guests mocking the stain.

JAYLYNN: I don't care.

RK: You should, those grape soda stains are serious business. After the soda spilled, some men came and beat me with paddles. They're the Grape Soda Patrol, or GSP for short.

JAYLYNN: You're making that up, aren't you?

RK: Jaylynn, do I look like someone so crazy I would just make up a story like that?

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

RK: I'll go get the damn pizza too, why don't I?

(RK opens the door; it's his arch-nemesis, Murphy being assigned to deliver the pizza; Jaylynn has also had some run-ins with him since she moved from Portland)

MURPHY: Hello, kiddies.

(suspiciously) RK AND JAYLYNN: Murphy...

MURPHY: Keeping your nose clean, children?

JAYLYNN: What's your ass doing here, Murphy?

MURPHY: Well, other than delivering pizzas, not much. But my role as employee is not an easy one. Everywhere you go, you have to make sure you keep customers safe.

RK: From what? Their pizza?

MURPHY: Danger comes in all sizes. Like this one for instance. This box may have said "medium"...but the threat was extra-large.

JAYLYNN: Hand over the pie, Murphy.

(RK and Jaylynn are shocked to see that Murphy has taken a bite out of every slice)

RK: HE TOOK A BITE OUT OF EVERY SLICE!

MURPHY: You can't prove that, no one can.

JAYLYNN: You have tomato sauce on your uniform shirt.

(Jaylynn's right as rain)

MURPHY: Oh, please, I have tomato sauce on all my shirts. Working in the kitchen all day is serious business.

RK: You've got a MUSHROOM on your shoe!

(Murphy can't deny that one either)

MURPHY: All my shoes have mushrooms!

JAYLYNN: You've got a sausage on your...

MURPHY: You can't pin this on me! You can't pin anything on me! Well, except this pin.

(RK and Jaylynn agree, but Jaylynn notices another pin)

MURPHY: Well, and this pin too.

(RK and Jaylynn can't disagree on that one either, but are a little upset since they almost caught Murphy there)

MURPHY: But Murphy...is not...pinnable!

(Murphy leaves without collecting the money, but comes back four seconds later)

MURPHY: That will be $14.98.

RK: I'm not paying you $15 for a pizza you had a hand in eating!

MURPHY: OK, for your trouble, $13.98.

RK: Are you really trying to negotiate a price for this?

MURPHY: Oh, so you want to play hardball? $12.98, that's my final offer.

JAYLYNN: Get the hell out of my house!

MURPHY: OK. Looks like you children show disrespect towards your favorite deliveryman. But next time, you won't get off scot-free.

(Murphy slowly backs away and leaves the house)

RK: Murphy's gone too far this time.

JAYLYNN: Something MUST be done.

RK: Not just for us, but for anybody that has ever had the deliveryman eat their pizza!

JAYLYNN: You pretty much mean just us, right?

RK: Yeah, for the most part.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Wow, winter is really closing in.

WADE: Yeah, and fall started less than a month ago. Hey, you guys want to see how many pennies I collected this weekend?

BUSTER: Whip it out.

(Wade's completed an entire bag, and has nearly finished his second)

SPARKY: Dude, do you live in Brownsville or something?

WADE: Nope. I just know where to find pennies. You just need to be hungry.

BUSTER: Yeah. Or a black rat. You're a ratchet hoe, man.

WADE: How am I a ratchet hoe?

BUSTER: You're collecting all those pennies? No respect, man.

WADE: Really? And I suppose you think you collected more pennies than me?

BUSTER: I sure did. HUUUHHUUUH! BAY-AMMMMM!

(Buster's bag has less than half the pennies needed to fill it up)

SPARKY: Buster, that bag is nearly empty.

BUSTER: Yeah, but do you really think I would bring all those pennies to school? I mean, it's not fair to you guys to see them all.

WADE: You've hardly scored any pennies at all, have you?

BUSTER: No, for the most part.

SPARKY: Buster, you shouldn't care too much about getting the most pennies. The whole point of the Penny Harvest is to help charity.

BUSTER: Yeah, but I don't want to be the lowest-scoring either. That's how it's been for the last two years. I CAN'T be in last place a third time! I suck worse at being charitable than Marie.

WADE: Hey, Marie knows how to help charity.

SPARKY: She bought all of her canned goods for last year's holiday food drive. And she forgot to take the receipt out of the bag she brought them in.

WADE: She STILL donated something.

BUSTER: You want to mess around with Marie so bad, don't you?

WADE: IS THAT A FEDERAL CRIME?! NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO! LET'S GET THE (BLEEP) INSIDE!

(Wade storms inside while a confused Sparky and Buster stare at each other)

WADE: NOW!

(Sparky and Buster quickly walk in, not wanting to suffer any more of Wade's wrath)

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

RK and Jaylynn have a plan to teach Murphy a lesson once and for all. It apparently involves a pizza they bought themselves.

RK: OK, we're going to super-spice the pizza. You deliver the pizza to Murphy's house, Murphy thinks it's a gift from us, Murphy accepts said pizza, he takes one bite, and his mouth EXPLODES.

JAYLYNN: Wait, that wasn't the plan we agreed on.

RK: What are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: I'm pretty sure one of us was supposed to sneeze on the pizza.

RK: Dude, that's unsanitary and disgusting!

JAYLYNN: But we want Murphy to learn a lesson.

RK: Yeah, but that's despicable. Once you sneeze on a pizza, it's not...pizza anymore, it's a pie full of infested bacteria. It's not a cheese pizza, it's a SNEEZA! And he's SNOT eating that!

JAYLYNN: Well, good. More for mu...cus.

(RK doesn't find the reference funny at all)

JAYLYNN: It was funnier when Jay said it.

RK: Uh-huh. The point is, after this, Murphy will never eat one of our pizzas again!

JAYLYNN: No way, Jose. Not after he tastes this four-alarm baby.

RK: Four alarms going in...six alarms going out!

(The two high-five)

JAYLYNN: You know something, RK? This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

RK: I couldn't agree more, Huie. And now, the final insult: A hint of scavanero peppers. The hottest peppers known to man...and deliveryman.

(RK dumps almost the entire bottle of peppers on the pizza, making it smoke)

(fake Italian accent) JAYLYNN: Perfecto!

(RK and Jaylynn kiss their lips with their fingers as a sign of the chef's compliments, but RK apparently still had the peppers on his fingers)

RK: Hot lips.

JAYLYNN: What?

RK: Hot lips!

JAYLYNN: Hot lips?

RK: HOT LIPS!

(The burning sensation of the scavanero peppers cause RK to throw the rest of the bottle backward and into Jaylynn's eye)

JAYLYNN: OH, GOD! EYE! EYE! EYE! EYE!

(RK screams while Jaylynn repeatedly bangs the table with her hand)

SCENE 5

The Murphy Residence

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is about to give Murphy the pizza; she's wearing a trenchcoat, a fedora, and a moustache)

JAYLYNN: I still don't understand why I have to give Murphy the pizza.

RK: I told you already. My mohawk will give away too much.

JAYLYNN: Oh, and my red hair, height, and voice won't give away too much?

RK: The fedora's covering your hair. Amy Cimorelli has Turners Syndrome, so being short is a non-factor in this. And it won't kill you to sound older. Seriously, your voice is like Fran Drescher's daughter on crack.

JAYLYNN: I don't know who Amy Cimorelli is. And why do you always feel the need to cut on my voice?

RK: Because you always set yourself UP for me to cut on your voice.

JAYLYNN: Whatever. See you in a few minutes.

RK: See ya.

(RK is hiding in the bushes while Jaylynn knocks on Murphy's door)

MURPHY: What's all this about?

(voice having a deeper nasal pitch) JAYLYNN: It's already been paid for.

MURPHY: Really? By who?

(Jaylynn looks at the box for "certification")

JAYLYNN: Jaylynn and...RK.

MURPHY: Really? Well, it looks like those two brats have learned to respect my authority.

JAYLYNN: Apparently so.

MURPHY: Just one thing that's tipping me off. Why do you look like you're in disguise if you're just delivering pizza?

JAYLYNN: Oh, well, that...

MURPHY: I mean, we both work at the same pizzeria. Why would you...of course. Webster! Once again, you have to be up to some weird antics.

JAYLYNN: But it's...not my fault. Old Man Witherspoon put me up to it!

MURPHY: So now, you're going to blame your strange personality on a man that doesn't even exist? I never trusted you, Webster. In fact, that only makes this pizza even MORE suspicious.

JAYLYNN: Oh, man. Does that mean you're going to have to take it?

MURPHY: Roger that.

JAYLYNN: OK.

(Jaylynn leaves and RK pulls her into the bushes after Murphy shuts the door)

RK: Nicely done.

JAYLYNN: Thanks, but where's the scream? I could've swore I saw him eat some before I left.

RK: Well, according to my Swatch, it should come in three...two...one...

(As if on cue, Murphy starts screaming and runs upstairs to the bathroom)

RK AND JAYLYNN: SCORE!

(The two high-five and celebrate their work)

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky has invited Wade over)

WADE: So, a sex question. If you could bang any girl from _Arthur, _who would it be?

SPARKY: Sue Ellen. Definitely Sue Ellen.

WADE: Why?

(long pause)

(smiling) SPARKY: The ass is fat.

(Sparky and Wade both go "OH! CHECK PLEASE!" at the same time)

WADE: I would bang Fern.

SPARKY: Fern? I probably would.

WADE: No, because it's like she's pretty, she's very interesting, she's mysterious. Not at all like the girls we know.

SPARKY: Hey, Halley's real interesting.

WADE: She collects hats. How cool is that?

SPARKY: It's cool to me.

WADE: Hey, where's Buster? I thought you invited him over.

SPARKY: He left already. But get this: He left with a mysterious white bag, and he wouldn't tell me what was in there.

WADE: Weird. Maybe he stole some pennies from that jar of yours.

SPARKY: No way. Buster is my best friend and an honest kid. He would never...

(Sparky pulls off the sheet covering his jar to reveal a half-empty jar)

(disappointed) SPARKY: Steal from me.

(long pause)

WADE: You mad, bro?

(Sparky angrily stares at Wade)

WADE: Sorry, force of habit.

(The "oh-oh-oh-ohhhhh" from the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays in the background as Sparky immediately makes up his mind that Buster stole the pennies)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

JAYLYNN: Hello everybody. My name is Jaylynn Huie, and welcome to this week's RoundTable. We have two topics this week, so Wade will join the first panel. The question is, "Biggie or Pac?" Wade, you have the floor first.

WADE: Thank you, Jaylynn. Honestly, it's no contest. Definitely Pac. Biggie was a great rapper, don't get me wrong. One of the best of his era. And that era had guys like Nas, AZ, Raekwon, Jay-Z, Method Man, Redman. But I always thought he was overrated. Pac's content and lyricism destroyed Biggie. He has a bigger catalogue. He's the most influential rapper of the 1990's. Also, he was still doing conscious rap when the genre had kind of moved away from that. Pac was still doing the Public Enemy thing and the KRS-One thing. So, definitely Makaveli.

RK: I agree with Wade all the way. Biggie, if there's one thing he had that Pac didn't, it was flow. He could get a party jumping with that voice of his. I think Notorious is more enjoyable to listen to, but Pac was always more talented and still is.

BUSTER: What I don't like about Biggie is how he made those radio songs. I mean, Nas was kind of pressured to do that by Steve Stoute and Pac never had to do it. Don't get me wrong, I like "Juicy," "Hypnotize," and "Big Poppa." Those tracks defined Biggie as an artist. But did he really have to make them?

WADE: Well, when _Ready To Die _was first being recorded, the plan was for it to be a hardcore hip-hop album. It was going to sound more like _Illmatic_. But then Puffy got into some legal shit and then they started a second recording session later. That's when Bad Boy Records said,"You don't have the hits. You don't have any radio airplay songs." So that's why "Juicy" and "Big Poppa" were recorded. I feel like those songs, you're right Buster, defined Notorious as a rapper. Because his album would not have sold nearly as much as it did without them.

SPARKY: I actually think Biggie was better than Pac. I always thought Pac was boring, and that strayed me away from him. But he doesn't have the catalogue. That's why Pac is better than Biggie. Just for the catalogue. Biggie only had two albums, and one of them was released after his murder. So, think about it. Biggie only got to see one album release in his lifetime. Pac released two albums in a year. Chalk that up, almost no comparison. I go with Pac.

BUSTER: I'm going with Pac too.

JAYLYNN: Wade, may we switch spots?

WADE: Certainly.

(Jaylynn joins the panel and Wade becomes the question reader)

WADE: OK. So recently, Gene Simmons said in an interview that Kurt Cobain is not an icon. And there are many people that believe Nirvana's legacy would not be sealed if Cobain never committed suicide. So, the burning question, "Should Kurt Cobain be considered an icon?" RK, you have the floor first.

RK: Thank you, Wade. And no. Kurt Cobain should not be considered an icon. Nirvana is overrated. They shouldn't have been as popular as they were because Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice In Chains...they all did the grunge thing better than Nirvana. Honestly, Cobain was a mess. He never liked the attention anyway.

JAYLYNN: As someone who has listened to grunge since the first grade, I agree that Nirvana was never the most talented grunge band in the world. But to think that Kurt Cobain shouldn't be an icon is stupid. When _Nevermind _was released, Nirvana started a movement. They were the leaders of Generation X. They were the hottest act in music at the time. Even if Cobain didn't want the attention, it didn't matter. Everybody wanted a piece of Nirvana. And they still do. They're the most important grunge band of all-time. To be iconic doesn't mean you have to be talented.

BUSTER: It's kind of how I feel about the Backstreet Boys. I always hated them. Always. I never liked their music, their hair, their personalities, nothing. I don't understand why people liked them. But they're one of the most influential pop acts of their generation. They did adult contemporary and R&B, so they took on three audiences at once. The Backstreet Boys, in my opinions, are icons because people still listen to them like it's 1999, and they're still relevant.

SPARKY: Off that statement, I want to go back to the whole Biggie/Pac debate. I think those two wouldn't have the legacy they did if they weren't murdered. I hate when people say that if they were still alive, they would've done more. No, they couldn't. Maybe Biggie, but Pac would've fell off quickly. I mean, it took Nas five years to hit rock bottom. What about these guys? We tend to rate people very high when they die. Biggie and Pac aren't the be-all end-all of rap, and never were. That's why if Lil Wayne died from that seizure, he would automatically be put in that class. I hate his music, but he's going to go down as an icon. In fact, he would be put above Biggie.

RK: You would seriously put Lil Wayne above The Notorious B.I.G.?

SPARKY: Yes. I don't want to, but that's what's going to happen. Wayne has the catalogue. He's been in this game for fifteen years. Biggie was only around for three. Wayne has a catalogue that stretches all the way back to 1998. He's extremely relevant today. He has all Tha Carter albums. Biggie only has _Ready To Die _and _Life After Death. _2Pac has the catalogue to remain relevant for 40-50 more years. Biggie doesn't. If Wayne dies before his time, he's going to be put above Christopher Wallace, like it or not. Why? Because of the catalogue.

(RK thinks this over while Sparky has that "think about that" face)

WADE: Tune in next week for more RoundTable.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is walking in with Halley. He still hasn't gotten over what happened last night.

HALLEY: Sparky, you need to let this go. Do you even know for sure if Buster stole the pennies?

SPARKY: No. But he had a mysterious white bag that was jiggling, and he wouldn't tell me what was in there. Plus, my full jar of pennies is half-empty.

HALLEY: Well, let's think. Did Buster bring the bag with him?

SPARKY: Yeah, and it was empty. He said he had to step out, and he came back when I went into the bathroom. Obviously, he was waiting for the perfect moment to come back and steal them!

HALLEY: Maybe he was out around town collecting pennies?

(long pause)

SPARKY: Halley, you're such a child sometimes.

HALLEY: Well, I'm nine, so...

SPARKY: I can't believe Buster would do this. I get he wanted to do well this year for Harvest Week, but why would he want to do it at my expense?

HALLEY: It's like the George Zimmerman trial. You can't prove anything with little evidence.

SPARKY: Yeah, but...

HALLEY: Look, I know you really love the Penny Harvest, even though it makes you look like a total ratchet hoe, but Buster's your best friend. He would never do anything like that.

SPARKY: I want to kiss you so bad.

HALLEY: I know you do.

(Sparky and Halley kiss for about 6-8 seconds)

SPARKY: At least Buster isn't throwing subs.

(In Ms. Greeley's English class, Buster is throwing a Subway submarine sandwich in the trash)

SPARKY: You just threw a sub!

BUSTER: Yeah. It's been in my bag for a week and it's not good anymore. You wanted some?

SPARKY: No, none at all.

(Sparky won't let this go)

MS. GREELEY: OK, class, we're going to start the period with the poems I assigned you for homework. And there's one kid who couldn't wait to read his, so he'll go first. Reading his poem "Think About It," here's Ryan Kennedy Jennings.

(The class is shocked at what's going on)

RK: Thank you, thank you. Just give me a minute to prepare myself.

(whispering to Sparky) BUSTER: RK wanting to read his homework? That's new.

(annoyed) SPARKY: Uh-huh.

(Buster can't understand what Sparky is bothered by)

RK: OK. "Dear, you misinformed bastards, Africa is not a country. For the last (bleep) time, it's a continent. How the (bleep) can it be a country if there are 54 (bleep) countries in it? Take the damn globe and look at it for once. You're setting us all back three decades, you (bleep) dumbasses. Think about it!"

(You can hear "My son violated," "I'm weak," or "Yo, I'm dead right now" in the background)

KAILY: That's not a poem, you idiot. It didn't even rhyme.

RK: Poems don't have to rhyme, you dick. But since you want another, I'll provide you another: "People think I can't write a poem. But they are so wrong, I CAN write a poem. I wrote this one, I wrote THIS poem, and I gave it the title...RK's Poem. So (bleep) you, Kaily."

KAILY: That's not even your poem. You took it from _Arthur._

RK: I ADAPTED IT! Thank you, everybody.

(The class is laughing and cheering)

MS. GREELEY: OK, now reading his poem called "Temptation," here's Buster Newman.

(to himself) SPARKY: Wait. Temptation is desire. Like Buster was TEMPTED to steal my pennies. What is this, his "Who Shot Ya?"

BUSTER: "Temptation is very difficult. Eventually, you just want more. Like taking your best friend's girl. Or stealing from a store. People desire what they can't have."

(Sparky is becoming increasingly angry with the poem, believing Buster is rubbing salt in the wound)

BUSTER: "It's in our every bone. So I can't help it when I take something. Or when I make your girlfriend moan."

SPARKY: OK, that's it! DON'T BRING HALLEY INTO THIS, YOU JACKASS!

(The class goes nuts)

BUSTER: What did I do?

MS. GREELEY: Sparky, can I see you after class?

(Sparky starts to feel ashamed)

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: Wade, I don't get it. Why is Sparky mad at me?

WADE: He thinks you stole his pennies.

BUSTER: Oh, it's about that.

WADE: You DID steal his pennies? Buster, I only treated you bad because I thought you were dumb, not because you were a thief.

BUSTER: You think I'm dumb?

WADE: That's not related. But seriously Buster, why would you do that to your own best friend?

BUSTER: I didn't. That white bag was full of pennies I collected myself from the neighborhood.

WADE: Did you get some of them from Gino's? You know, with the...

(with Wade) BUSTER: STD-carrying cashier, yeah.

WADE: Well, Buster, I'm sorry I doubted you.

BUSTER: It's fine. But even if Sparky did think I stole the pennies, why is he acting like a ratchet hoe? Usually, he's like a 10-year-old Mr. Rogers.

WADE: Well, a long time ago, Sparky developed a competitive streak.

BUSTER: A competitive streak?

WADE: Yeah, a competitive streak.

BUSTER: What competitive streak?

WADE: Well, when he was in the second grade, Sparky finished last in the Penny Harvest, and all the kids made fun of him.

BUSTER: Oh yeah, I remember that day. Sparky cried his eyes out.

WADE: Yeah. He promised himself that there would never be a repeat of that and since then, he's been competitive as hell. When someone beats him at something, he may say "congratulations," but inside he's thinking, "It won't happen next time, bitch."

BUSTER: Wow, he never told me that.

WADE: Yeah, he swore me to secrecy. But since you're his best friend, where's the harm?

BUSTER: Sparky should know to trust me. We've been best friends since preschool.

WADE: Talk to him after school. And fast, because the poor kid is harassing your third grade friends.

SPARKY: Evelyn, what did Buster tell you about the white bag?

(Evelyn just laughs in an annoying way)

SPARKY: You're not taking this seriously.

(As soon as Sparky finishes his statement, Evelyn starts laughing again)

SPARKY: You're not taking this ser...

(laugh)

SPARKY: You're not taking this...

(laugh)

SPARKY: You're not tak...

(laugh)

SPARKY: FINE! Mona, what do you know about the bag?

MONA: Leave me the (bleep) alone before I hurt you.

SPARKY: OK, damn. Hate these stupid new third graders.

(Sparky leaves to see Buster and Wade)

(to Buster) SPARKY: Thief.

EVELYN: He's so weird.

MONA: ALL of Buster's friends are weird.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Jaylynn are watching TV when RK begins to smell something good)

RK: Do I smell...

JAYLYNN: Yeah, worse than usual.

RK: Pizza!

(RK opens the door before the deliveryman rings the bell)

MATT: Pizza delivery!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, boy!

RK: Bring it home to the Big Poppa. (referring to the pizza) Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

MATT: Apparently, my father of the same name.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: Good old Matt.

(RK opens the pizza, completely untouched)

RK: Jay, check it out. Fully intact.

JAYLYNN: It's...it's so beautiful.

MATT: Thank you very much.

RK: I bet after we scavaneroed that other pie, I knew Murphy wouldn't dare to even look at our pizzas again.

MATT: Murphy wasn't there today. I'm the interim Executive Deliveryman.

(worried) JAYLYNN: No Murphy?

MATT: Yeah. Apparently he's in the hospital.

(whispering to herself) JAYLYNN: Hospital?

RK: Here...here's your money.

MATT: Much appreciated. Enjoy your pizza, kids.

(Matt is on his way out)

JAYLYNN: Enjoy your interim job!

RK: Wow. I wonder what he's doing in the hospital.

(chowing down on a slice in guilt) JAYLYNN: It's probably nothing. I mean, people go to the hospital for...for all sorts of reasons.

RK: You don't think it's our fault, do you?

JAYLYNN: No, I mean, if it was really our fault, we would be going over to the hospital, and explaining to Murphy how it wasn't...our fault.

(Jaylynn and RK swallow their slices in fear, and look at each other)

RK AND JAYLYNN: OUR FAULT!

RK: This can't be happening! (imitating Jim Ross) GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'VE KILLED HIM! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HIS STOMACH IS BROKEN IN HALF!

JAYLYNN: OK, let's not jump to conclusions. We should just go to the hospital first thing tomorrow morning and clear the air with Murphy.

RK: Agreed. But wait, we're going to be late for school.

JAYLYNN: Neither of us are crazy about school anyway.

RK: Good point.

(RK spills some Cherry Dr. Pepper on the floor)

(loudly) RK: Oh, (bleep) my life!

(in his room) KG: RK, YOU DID IT AGAIN?!

RK: No, it's Dr. Pepper this time.

KG: Oh, you should watch out for the Dr. Pepper Patrol. They're real badass.

RK: Oh, what's the worst that could happen?

(The Dr. Pepper Patrol come to beat down RK with paddles, but their beating is considerably more aggressive than the Grape Soda Patrol's beating; RK tries to run away, but he trips and falls and they continue the beatdown)

RK: OW, OW, OW, OW, OH GOD! OW!

JAYLYNN: Should I help?

(shouting) RK: No, they'll beat you senseless too! Oh man, this is worse than that Tootsie Pop commercial I saw last night!

BOY: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR. OWL: You've asked me that same irritating-ass question for 43 (bleep) years and I keep giving you the same answer: I DON'T (BLEEP) KNOW! JUST BITE THAT SHIT! BITE IT, AND COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE GROWN SOME DAMN GENITALS BECAUSE I DON'T SEE ANYTHING DOWN THERE!

(The boy looks at the camera, confused that the owl is going off-script; he then realizes something)

BOY: Mr. Owl, why are you looking down there anyway?

(Mr. Owl looks at the camera, not knowing what to say)

NARRATOR: Why is Mr. Owl checking out the little boy's tiny balls? The world may never know...

SCENE 10

The Newman Condominium

Interior Buster's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Too bad I'm not wearing a costume. But RK's fashion choices have been pretty weird lately.

(RK shows Sparky a Hit-Girl costume for him to wear when infiltrating Buster's room)

SPARKY: Dude, no.

(Sparky checks out Buster's white bag, and several empty jars next to it)

SPARKY: There it is. Now let's see what this bastard is really up to.

(Buster is right behind Sparky, having not made a sound)

BUSTER: Sparky?

SPARKY: HOON CHA-CHO! Oh...hey Buster. Fancy meeting you here.

BUSTER: What are you doing in my room at this time of night?

SPARKY: Well, I...came by to deliver you...an important fact.

(long pause)

BUSTER: I'm waiting.

SPARKY: Oh! Well, did you know...that the Sun is farther away from Earth during the summer, and closer during the winter? Actual factual.

BUSTER: Sparky, we learned that in Mr. Buslovich's class today. I was there!

SPARKY: Yeah, but...I need you to really digest this scientific breakthrough.

BUSTER: Is this about the pennies you think I took?

SPARKY: You bet your ass it is. Cough 'em up, NOW.

BUSTER: Sparky, you should know me better than that. I wouldn't intentionally try to sabotage you on Harvest Week. And isn't this all about helping charity?

SPARKY: To Hell with charity! This is about WINNING. Collecting more pennies than the other guy can. The top-secret mystery grand prize.

BUSTER: A-ha! All these years, your goody-two-shoes act has been tainted. You have vices just like the rest of us. You just can't handle the competition of others.

SPARKY: YES I CAN! But I don't need to take this. You want to play games? I'll play even better games. I'm going home.

(Sparky climbs out the window onto a tree)

SPARKY: Just remember, self-proclaimed "best friend." I'm watching you. You hear that. WATCHING YOU!

(Sparky falls out of the tree and hits the ground)

SPARKY: Even in trauma, I'm still watching you.

(Buster goes back to sleep with a sad expression)

Meanwhile, Wade is getting set up for tomorrow.

WADE: Ah. I think this should get me in first place easy. Just need to fill them up...

(Wade sees that his penny jar is half-empty, just like Sparky's)

WADE: What? I've spent days collecting those. Who the...Sparky? Of course!

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: I didn't do anything!

WADE: Yes, you did! You took my pennies to get in the lead because of what you think Buster did!

SPARKY: Because he DID do it. I'm not making this crap up. Buster Carlisle Newman is a lying thief!

BUSTER: Hey, do you guys know where RK and Jaylynn are?

WADE: They went to the hospital. Apparently, they're visiting some guy because they scataneroed his pizza, whatever the hell that means.

(RK is putting pedal to the metal in his car)

JAYLYNN: Drive faster!

RK: I'm driving as fast as I can, bitch!

(Jaylynn angrily stares at RK)

RK: CANASTA!

BUSTER: Sparky, we're best friends. Why are you doing this to me? I didn't steal anything!

WADE: Yeah, leave Buster alone, Sparky. Looks like everyone's true colors show, thief.

SPARKY: I didn't steal your worthless, low-rent pennies. And Buster DID steal my damn pennies. I'M SUPPOSED TO WIN! I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE MYSTERY PRIZE! ME! ME, ME, ME!

BUSTER: THAT'S ENOUGH!

(Buster jumps on Sparky and starts wailing on him with great force)

WADE: Hang on, I want a piece of this fool!

(Wade and Buster double-team Sparky and make him bleed, but their rage boils over as to who finishes the job; they eventually start beating each other)

MR. BORMAN: BREAK IT UP! THIS FIGHT IS OVER!

(Buster and Wade stop fighting Sparky, and each other)

MR. BORMAN: Now you guys cause a ruckus like this one more time, and I swear to you, your kids will graduate elementary school before you do!

(crying) SPARKY: I'm...I'm...I'M SORRY, BUSTER! I'M SO, SO SORRY!

(Whatever has possessed Sparky has been officially taken out)

SPARKY: I blamed you, my best friend, for stealing from me! I let competition get in the way of our friendship.

BUSTER: I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I didn't get you help sooner!

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

BUSTER: Wade told me about your competitive streak.

(Sparky angrily stares at Wade)

WADE: HE HAD TO KNOW!

SPARKY: Well, I should've told you before. It's just I get so wrapped up in wanting to win everything. I sold my soul to the devil and went against everything I believed in. Just so I could act like a ratchet hoe.

BUSTER: It's OK to act like a ratchet hoe sometimes, Sparky. But not everything has to be a competition.

SPARKY: It doesn't?

BUSTER: No. And I think it's high time we stop keeping things from each other. Sparky, you're my brother. Never forget that. I would never steal from you.

SPARKY: And you're my brother too. I'm never going to treat anybody like that ever again. Except Bitch Clock, he deserves it half the time.

(Sparky and Buster hug)

WADE: I want to join in!

BUSTER: Then join.

(The three hug)

BUSTER: Hey, wait a minute.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: Some of my pennies are gone.

SPARKY: Wasn't me.

WADE: Me neither.

BUSTER: Then who...

MS. VANEK: And now, coming in with the most pennies collected, this year's top harvester, Manny Santos!

(Manny does a stupid dance and slaps hands with Will)

MANNY: You guys know how good I am at collecting.

WADE: Manny couldn't collect pennies if you paid him.

BUSTER: And my bag's on stage!

SPARKY: He stole our pennies and inadvertently turned us against each other! GET HIM!

MANNY: Better run like Carlos Beltran against the Dominicans!

(Manny runs away while Sparky, Buster, and Wade chase after him)

SCENE 12

University of Washington Medical Center

Interior Murphy's Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Jaylynn rush into Murphy's room with flowers, and see a blanket covering his body)

RK: We're too late!

JAYLYNN: No Murphy, no.

RK: Why did we take it too far when we could've taken it just far enough?

JAYLYNN: Murphy deserved better than this.

RK: I mean, he was just doing his job. Sure, he was annoying.

JAYLYNN: And rude.

RK: And nosy but, at the end of the day, he wasn't such a bad guy.

(Murphy takes off the blanket)

MURPHY: Hello kiddies.

(RK and Jaylynn scream and step back)

RK: Murphy, we didn't kill you?

MURPHY: No. But you did give me heartburn. (RK and Jaylynn stare at each other) You know, all of those nice things you said...

RK: Made you a little less mad?

JAYLYNN: And want to forgive us?

MURPHY: Nope. Made me want to share my leftover scavanero pizza.

(Murphy reveals the box containing the saved pizza)

MURPHY: Justice is served.

JAYLYNN: You bet.

RK: Pretty...good justice.

(RK and Jaylynn start eating it, and are stunned because the hotness is non-existent)

RK: You know, it's not that bad.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, this pizza is banging!

MURPHY: Just a matter of seconds.

JAYLYNN: You know what the nuttiest thing is about all this?

RK: What?

JAYLYNN: This whole situation is just like that episode of _So..._

RK: Episode of _Sonn..._**  
**

(RK and Jaylynn immediately start screaming and head towards the bathroom while Murphy laughs to himself)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: And now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Stan" by Eminem featuring Dido playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


End file.
